What to say to the girl whose life is falling apart
I don’t know if anyone has been long awaiting this but, I have been waiting to write it. As someone who has a roller coaster testimony, I can safely say that people don’t talk to me. All of my friends who read my blog are confused by that statement but let me explain further. When someone goes through hard times, most people tend to distance themselves. I don’t know if people do this consciously or unconsciously, but it is definitely a trend. While I do not fault anyone for it, I don’t think it’s necessary. Fun fact: when no one talks to you about their problems, it makes it seem impossible to ever talk about yours. At least, that’s how I think.
I am writing this because I took away all of the go-to Christian phrases if you read the last post on this subject. I mean, how dare I say those things, right? Hahaha, so here are new things that may help you talk to the person who is falling apart.
Number one: I have never been through anything like that but that sounds really hard.
I am here if you need to unpack that.
Number two: You are so strong and are handling this with grace. But if you ever need anything I am here.
These two might sound really weird to some people. However, it can be so helpful. When you have a lot of crazy things happen to you, there are a lot fewer people who can relate to you. Eventually, you end up with confidants that have legit never been through whatever you are describing. That’s ok! The main thing is saying that you are there for the person. To talk, to laugh, to cry, all the things!
Few people can execute this one genuinely. However, I had to include these as my top suggestions because of how healing it is to know you have people. They might not understand the hardships, but they are there to help you figure out your emotions.
Number three: Be ok not talkig at all.
At the end of the day, we all need different things, which sometimes means not talking. Sometimes that means talking about what is going on and coming up with distractions from grief. Sometimes that means being a confidant that they can text every other day “Can you pray for ……” but not asking for more.
Number four: Your feelings are valid.
Now some people will stop reading after this one because they think this is dumb. However, stick with me, and you will see there is an excellent point to be made.
I once read that “not all of your feelings are true.” I thought that was very interesting and kept reading. Someone whose husband just left might feel all alone in the world. They might feel like nothing will ever be ok again. They might think their husband never loved them. Those feeling are valid. However, are they true? I would venture to say no.
At the very least, everyone has Jesus, and if they have Jesus, Christ-followers should support them. So in Jesus name, I am hoping even if someone doesn’t feel they have community at that moment, they will. By the grace of God alone, I believe they will get through it one step at a time. As for their husband, I am sure he loved them but, the world is a dark place. He was led astray by some other idea that this world gave him. However, that doesn’t mean he never loved her.
Any person going through hard times will question if God loves them. It does not mean that He does not love them, but rather that is how they feel. How many people have felt invalidated by the church when they are struggling and are now unbelievers? Please do me a favor and validate the person. If they slander God, by all means, correct them, but if they say, “I am angry at God. I am so confused by what He could possibly want from me in this situation,”. Meet them with “That’s ok. Your feelings are valid. I am sure when you’re ready, God would love for you to talk to him about it.”
Number Five: It’s ok to be mad at God right now
This relates to the last one. While I am well aware the evil in this world isn’t God’s fault; I know he is big enough to take it. There is something healthy about coming to God angry. The anger that says, ” I don’t know why you let this happen, God, but I know you have more. I don’t see it yet, and I’m angry that you let me get hurt”. The best part about it is He sees you and feels your pain too. God can take it, and trying to hide that is silly. Nothing is hidden from God.
Not everyone was raised to believe that it is ok to be angry at God. However, I pray that you would search out why that is. God is the king of kings, but He is also supposed to be your best friend. Stop tip-toeing around your best friends and be honest with them.
Number six: Message them things that remind you of them
This one is just fun! Maybe it’s a bible verse about peace, or maybe it’s your inside joke. Memes, art, quotes, pictures of dogs, anything! The little things go a long way! This doesn’t have to be an everyday thing, but a check-in shows you care. When a son just lost his dad, or someone just got diagnosed with a chronic illness, sometimes they don’t want everything to be sad. Sometimes they want to feel normal and feel like it’s ok to be themselves still.
Number seven: you can always just ask them what they need
This seems obvious, but sometimes it isn’t. People get so nervous about saying the wrong thing they say nothing. Knowing someone wants to be there is a lot less isolating than debating on who you should talk to about grief. While the person in grief might not know what they need at that moment to follow up with them. Either way, you showed you care, and that’s the best way to show Jesus’s love
Overall, it is important to give the person room to feel sad or mad. Many times sadness and anger aren’t welcomed in life or the church. However, it can be hard to handle all of the emotions that come with hardship by yourself. Biblically, we are NOT supposed to do life alone. Come alongside your friends that are hurting with humility and love.
I hope this can help someone connect better with their friend who is hurting :)Always feel free to message me if you need any clarification, and look out for the video form of this post on Instagram soon !!! Much love and God bless! -Isabel 🙂